NFC Analogy Poll

By Mike Ivcic

You’ve all been inundated with NFL season previews. But what you HAVEN’T seen is the Ultimate Capper NFL Preseason Analogy Poll. If you’ve ever said to yourself, “you know, that team reminds me of…” well then oh boy, this is going to make your day. No, your WEEK.

And if in a week, you return to this poll and think, “Wow, that team doesn’t remind me at ALL of that analogy,” just remember I only promised it would make your week. Nothing beyond that.

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So, here we go:

NFC East
Dallas Cowboys – I can’t use the Kardashians – Bill Simmons already ruined that one for me. Instead, I find the Cowboys to be more analogous to Great Britain. Everyone still raves about them, and at one point they were a superpower. But now their currency is bloated, they have internal security issues, and they really don’t export anything that matters to anyone. So really, why is it that we continue to look at the Brits as a superpower? The same reason we look at the Cowboys as Super Bowl contenders… because we just don’t know how NOT to.

New York Giants – A family with ugly furniture inside an ugly house, who then moved to a new house. The problem? They still brought all their ugly furniture with them.

Philadelphia Eagles – A marriage heading for divorce, but both parties are too nice to really hurt the other. What happens? The guy tries to set his soon-to-be-ex-wife up with one of his friends. Except a) the reason they’re splitting up in the first place is cause the guy found a woman he liked better, and b) the guy that the ex-wife is heading to is actually a better husband than the first guy. But neither one will be happy in the end, because neither of the new marriages will be all that good either. And the woman will probably throw up right before the vows anyway.

Washington Redskins – See above.

NFC North
Chicago Bears – The movie Frankenstein. Mike Martz is the mad scientist and Jay Cutler would be the monster. Everyone seems to think this team will be better because Martz will unleash Cutler to throw deeper and more often. Yeah, cause I love the chances of my team when I guy with interception problems throws MORE.

Detroit Lions – A horrible-looking but injury-free car crash where you know everyone is alive and safe. You know it’s not as bad as it could have been, so that’s a good thing, but you still can’t turn your eyes away from the wreckage.

Green Bay Packers – Star Wars – just call this the movie division. Because eventually Luke Skywalker beats Darth Vader. And besides, I’m pretty sure Brett Favre is at least old enough to be Aaron Rodgers’ father.

Minnesota Vikings – The second trip to any amusement park not named Disney World. The first time has so much excitement with new rides and attractions. The second time to a park simply never lives up to the first.

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NFC South
Atlanta Falcons – The little kid who begged and begged his parents to let him have a second scoop of ice cream. They finally relented… but then refused to let him have any toppings with it. Kind of a cruel twist to not make the playoffs when you finally have back-to-back winning seasons, right?

Carolina Panthers – The Smurfs. Or maybe that’s just because of their hideous baby blue jerseys.

New Orleans Saints – The borderline high school dropout who not only graduated college, but came out with a 4.0 GPA. He had his downs and the times when he wanted to just give up, but managed to see it through to the end and came out on top.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Auto insurance. Just because you have to have 32 teams doesn’t mean they’re all going to be good. Kind of like this preview.

NFC West
Arizona Cardinals – The West Wing circa 2005. It’s still got the same name, but so many of the key cast members have moved on or taken backup roles that it’s going to be hard to be as good as it once was.

Saint Louis Rams – The Pittsburgh Pirates. Really bad team that brings in lots of young talent that makes them… a really bad team.

San Francisco 49’ers – The U.S. Supreme Court. They could be one way or they could be the other. Just pretend Alex Smith is Justice Anthony Kennedy.

Seattle Seahawks – The New York Yankees, Detroit Red Wings, and Los Angeles Lakers all rolled into one. When you can recruit like Pete Carroll can, there’s no reason USC shouldn’t win every year.

Wait, what?

Carroll’s in Seattle now, not USC?

Oh boy. Welcome back to the NFL.

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