beermantm
11-21-2004, 01:20 AM
Day 1
Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear Tree. I fixed it !as night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tinks de Pear Tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2
Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3
Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of eating them darned bird. t gave two of those prissy French chicken to MIS. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier. and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux, Mrs. Fontenot needed same sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day4
Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5
Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da’ pawn shop In Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat and to buy a round for day boys at the Raisin Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoupl
Day 6
Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to de birds, you coonass turkeyl Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout.. Dem goose are damn goad at eating cockroach around da’ house, though. I may stuff one ah dern goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day
Day 7
Dear Emile, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaus, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem birds is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him . I let dem seven swan loose to swim on de bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day8
Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a.mllking & der cows. One of dem cows done got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack-but dey say it wasn’t In their contract. Dey probably tink dey too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las nite.
Day 9
Deer Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumpin twits you call “lords-a-leaping” across the bayou. As soon as day got here de, wanted a tea break and crumpets, I doen know what dat means but I says. “Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin,” Mon Dieux, Emile, what I’m gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and the cow ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10
Dear Emile, You got 10 be out of you mind. If da mailman don’t kill you, I will. Today he delivered 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey say they be “ladies dancing” but day don’t act like ladies in front of dem Limy sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by my outhouse. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute Ie monde. And get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 11
Dear Emile, Where Y’at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues. second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef fric-a-say, and jumbalaya, finished the whiskey, and we’re having a fais do-do. Da new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he’s having a good ole time dancing with the floozies. Da’ ole mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don’t open it.
Day 12
Dear Emile, Me I’m sorry to told you-but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais do-do I spent da nite with Jacque, the head piper. We decided to open a restaurant and gentlemen’s club on the bayou. The floozies - pardon me - ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance. and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da’ maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We’ll probably gross a million dollar next year.
Merry Christmas
Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear Tree. I fixed it !as night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tinks de Pear Tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2
Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3
Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of eating them darned bird. t gave two of those prissy French chicken to MIS. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier. and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux, Mrs. Fontenot needed same sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day4
Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5
Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da’ pawn shop In Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat and to buy a round for day boys at the Raisin Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoupl
Day 6
Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to de birds, you coonass turkeyl Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout.. Dem goose are damn goad at eating cockroach around da’ house, though. I may stuff one ah dern goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day
Day 7
Dear Emile, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaus, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem birds is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him . I let dem seven swan loose to swim on de bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day8
Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a.mllking & der cows. One of dem cows done got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack-but dey say it wasn’t In their contract. Dey probably tink dey too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las nite.
Day 9
Deer Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumpin twits you call “lords-a-leaping” across the bayou. As soon as day got here de, wanted a tea break and crumpets, I doen know what dat means but I says. “Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin,” Mon Dieux, Emile, what I’m gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and the cow ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10
Dear Emile, You got 10 be out of you mind. If da mailman don’t kill you, I will. Today he delivered 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey say they be “ladies dancing” but day don’t act like ladies in front of dem Limy sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by my outhouse. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute Ie monde. And get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 11
Dear Emile, Where Y’at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues. second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef fric-a-say, and jumbalaya, finished the whiskey, and we’re having a fais do-do. Da new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he’s having a good ole time dancing with the floozies. Da’ ole mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don’t open it.
Day 12
Dear Emile, Me I’m sorry to told you-but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais do-do I spent da nite with Jacque, the head piper. We decided to open a restaurant and gentlemen’s club on the bayou. The floozies - pardon me - ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance. and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da’ maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We’ll probably gross a million dollar next year.
Merry Christmas